have you ever seen a double eclipse I hadn't till toady. It didn’t occur to me for a while that Arizona must have two suns, because I realized that for the entire time I have been here it has never not been day. I wondered if I was actually in Arizona, or not. I don’t remember how I got to Arizona. I just remember following Simon, and then I was on a train, and it was red, for awhile. Then I arrived here in what they said was Phoenix, Arizona.

Phoenix, Arizona always had two suns, right? That’s a thing that existed before. I am just going to have to keep telling myself that. Well, anyways, there was a double eclipse today, where both of the suns were blocked, and for a few joyous minutes there was darkness. I don’t know which I like better – the one where I’m able to sleep for more than three hours a day?

So I went to a movie. I had been seeing a lot of straight fiction films – beautiful stories about rocks being in love, but I had not seen a real life story. I decided thus to see a documentary. Now, wizard documentaries are not exactly like the documentaries normal human beings partake in. Yes, they have Talking Head interviews, but they also have Talking Heads not on bodies interviews. This one I saw was about a very, very important issue in the wizard community – spontaneous combustion of wizards. It is quite a big problem in society. Many wizards are randomly set on fire each and every day - coincidentally right when they seem to threaten another wizard, but all the wizards who are shifty-eyed and refuse to answer any questions, deny that it is even a thing.

You know I have never worked on a crime beat in my career as a journalist, so I can’t tell if the shockingly accurate descriptions of the night that only a person in that room could have seen were truthful, but I suspect that they were not being fully truthful. It was intense. There were all these close-up shots of things, and then there were reenactments, but instead of doing them in color, they did them in colors imperceptible to the human eye that caused us to briefly see our dead relatives.

The film was called Spontaneous Combustion: Conspiracy or not a Conspiracy. It was directed by a wizard and his twin clone that did everything exactly the same as him – Marty. I talked to them after the screening, and in unison voices they said, “We believe Spontaneous Combustion is a thing that happens.” After they talked to me they both turned into smoke and vanished.

I gave the film a solid Recommend.

Sometimes I believe these wizards are not giving it to me straight At times I and I may not have mystical abilities, and this might not be the planet Earth as I was led to believe, and I might not even be in Arizona,  sometimes I just want a bloody damn person to give me a straight answer. Is that so much to ask for? Probably. I’m probably rude?  I had a drink after that. I had a Shirley Temple, but it was an adult Shirley Temple. You know, like when she was an ambassador.

Not many people get to see a movie filmed on the sun. I didn’t get to see it either. That one was full, so I saw another movie. It was filmed in an atom, a little tiny atom. It was a coming-of-age film about a young wizard who was inexplicitly born inside an atom of a pencil. it was called Atom boy I give it a 5/5.

You know, I had a lot of fun at this festival. It has been an interesting experience, my first true film festival ever since I became a film critic. I mean, yes, most of the time I was horrified beyond imagining, and I was pretty sure someone was going to kill me, and now I have been wondering exactly what the Ramada Inn I have been staying at was. Those voices in the night that told me “selection, selection,” were terrible, and I didn’t like that.

The final film I saw though was something special. I walked into theater 13G. All theaters in in the wizard film festival are theaters 13. At film festivals you sometimes have to take a strange path. I walked into it, and the guid wouldn’t really tell me what the film was or who it was by. The movie opened and it was a small incandescent dot, and it played in a consistent tone: “eeeeeeeeeeeeee”, and for three minutes the dot consistently grew bigger and bigger and bigger and bigger until it was the size of a movie theater. It was then the main character finally appeared.

The main character, a young man around my age – he never introduced himself. He then pulled a chair, and it took a while for him to pull the chair dead center into what now appeared to be a perfectly white room, and sat on the chair, and stared intensely at the audience for an hour, and threw his eyes. First you were uncomfortable, and then for a while you intensely loved him, and then you intensely hated him, and then there was a brief second where somebody in the audience shot at the screen. This was Arizona. I mean, it was a place calling itself Arizona.

I walked out, and I was confident, very confident, and for the first time in my film critic career, I had seen the worst movie ever – a 9 out of 10 stars. I mean, yes, it was brilliant, and I rode on an emotional journey that I would never again ride on in my live, but a dude shouted at the screen. That totally ruined my film experience. Was that unfair of me? Yes, 100 percent. Will I watch this movie again?  Most likely. Will it rise in my estimation? Even now as I slowly contemplate it – yeah probably. But that’s the great thing about film. You can constantly revisit it and constantly re-appreciate it. I now own a magical raven and a magical bunny.

I returned home on the mysterious train and I looked up in the sky to see if there was only one star in it. Thankfully there was. Simon continued to follow me, and every once in a while he will bring a mysterious gold coin from an ancient Aztec treasure that he somehow knows where it is.