As a dedicated member of the crack squad of government employees, I wish to clear up any misconceptions that people have, and maybe help them have a more expedient time getting through their local government offices.

 Number one: how to best deal with workers  

 Remember that all government workers are inherently people, and the insults you tell them will be with them for the rest of the day. They come back home to their sad little lives in their small little apartments and they quietly drink and say maybe I am just a worthless piece of space and it would be better if I just died.  

 Number two: how best to fill out forms

 I remember I was in Paris and I came upon a beautiful woman singing of how she once lost her cat and never found it again. I was struck with how beautiful this statement was and I stayed for hours in that cafe.

Number Three: how to best file complaints  

 There are numerous legends and myths around the complaint office. Those of us who work in the Bureaucratic fields have many different interpretations of what the complaint office truly is. So let's believe it is a collection of fables, which although not literally true, illustrate  how we should live our lives.  

Number four: how to get through lines fast  

 You know lines are mysterious, terrifying things, that you see anytime you enter one of our numerous government offices. Well, they're not as terrifying as  most people assume. The first trick is to get there early. But the real trick is knowing that the hive mind that forces all of you to enter into the line can be tricked with a simple spice on the gums. To get the right spice go to your local spice merchant that is always behind a government office and spend no less than $15.

 Number five: just remember to relax  

 Remember the important thing is to relax and not let the stress of  dealing with the government bureaucrats get you down, and remember you are good and, gosh darn it, you deserve to be liked.