The Top Five Garlic eating men in Manhattan
The life of a garlic-eating man in Manhattan is one of danger. You ask a garlic-eating man, any garlic-eating man, he's had a friend who's died doing what he loves. Thought I'd celebrate the top five of them. These brave noble heroes who do whatever they can for the love of that garlic.
Number One: Boris the talking puffin. Boris the talking puffin ain't technically a person but, as the name implies, she is a puffin who learned how to talk. Nobody's quite sure how Boris learned how to talk before. Boris did, does in fact know the discussion of it all. Bor, that talking puffin, she can eat garlic like nobody's business. It's magical to watch her do what she does, sitting there in the twilight of the Manhattan skyline. Just looking at the puffin eating garlic.
Number Two: Hector Rimaldo. I've had dealings with Hector Rimaldo, that slippery bastard. He's as charming as he is an efficient lover of garlic. When the tour first started up, he kept going on his day-to-day business like nothing ever happened. And the newspaper said, "Are you not afraid? Are you not afraid, Hector?" He was quiet and contemplative, but he had that sly smile that Hector always had, and he said, "I ain't afraid. I feel nothing." He would be found dead later on. Tragedy. It's a tragedy. Garlic. Eating garlic in Manhattan is a path of ruin.
Number Three: Thomas Kincaid. Thomas Kincaid, now there's a man I'd like to sit down and have a beer with. Of course, knowing him, he'd probably insist it be garlic beer. One time I met, one of the few times I actually met him, he says to me, "Doesn't matter what ancient prophecy that the real estate bosses read about, that says that one day a garlic-eating man who lived in Manhattan is destined to cause a major financial downturn. Keep eating it." Cause he loves the God damn garlic. Of course everybody and their mother is looking for it. That damn Dead Sea Scroll. The Dead Sea Scroll and it's prophecies about how man loves garlic in Manhattan caused the Manhattan real estate to fall. Most people figure Tom for that, cause he was there when that Dead Sea Scroll was found, eating garlic.
Number Four: Janet Gusterson. Now Janet's the lady that don't give a shit, man. Janet, of course, was known for a long time as that lady that would just barge into your office and eat the garlic right from ... eat anything with garlic right in your work stations. When the Manhattan real estate developers started anybody who loved garlic, of course, in secret. Those bastards never come out and say that they're doing it, but they're doing it. I know because I've had dreams about it. And dreams are as bloody as facts! Janet just kept eating it. I interviewed her about it, and she said, "That's crazy, I don't know what you're talking about." I expect the true nature of the thing. I've lost too many friend to this menace though. Too many friends.
Number Five is the anonymous garlic-eatering man in Manhattan. That stalwart hero that continues to eat garlic and won't even want to be interviewed by me when I ask them because they say, "I don't understand what's going on here. Garlic in Manhattan? I don't know, man, that sounds crazy. No, like legitimately crazy. Like I think you need help. Get away from me." And I just have that wry little smile, because I know these are the true heroes.