A Museum dedicated to the greatest Garfields in history

Come, come, come. What an honor it is to see all of you fine people here today. Welcome to the Museum of Garfield. Yes, it's a museum dedicated to the greatest Garfield's in history. There's of course James Garfield and Garfield the cat.

Next to Garfield the Cat you can see the third of the four of us that we have available. Shown here in the lobby, is, of course, Lin-Manuel Miranda. Well, he has no relation to the Garfield's, but you know, we figured why not? He's popular with the kids today, and with the the Broadway show Hamilton if people want to learn their history wrong, you can do much worse. George Washington kept lots of slaves, too. Anyways.

Anyways. What an honor. How fun and wonderful it is to see all of you. And to think I, humble Jim Davis, am here to guide you. I mean, most run away when I admit to them I'm a cannibal. Oh, like a few of you are. But the few of you finally likely realize what I mean by that. Yes, I am simply a fan of the band Fine Young Cannibals. It's hilarious.

I tell people frequently that I'm a cannibal, and they go, "Jim Davis, cannibal? Cannibal?" And I have to explain to them that, no, Jim Davis doesn't eat people, he just listens to the music of the people who do, presumably, 'cause why else would you name your band that? I mean, it's crazy. That's a stupid band name. I assume the title is literal, and they are literally cannibals. Although they don't eat the people as much, I assume. It's more the  appendixes and the gallbladder. The things we get rid of, you know. A non-confrontational cannibal. That's what I assume they're doing, because besides that, they are really not that memorable a band. I mean, I don't even think I even know any of their music offhand, and I'm the biggest fan in the world. Me, Jim Davis, creator of Garfield the Cat.

Oh, boy, they aren't cannibals. I just put two and two together.  Oh, boy. I've alienated a lot of people with that whole thing. I should talk to Jeffrey Katzenberg again and explain to him my newfound philosophy of not eating people. A thing I never did. I don't want anybody to assume I did. That's crazy. Jim Davis is sane. He created Garfield the Cat. You know, back when he was a fictional character and not a real thing.

Yes, Garfield's real now. Have I not mentioned that? Garfield the Cat is, of course, as real as you or me are real. You see, he, at one point, I assume, like through a witch's curse or something, was brought into the real world, and that's where he lives now, because I frequently see an orange cat if I walk home, and he must know instinctively that I'm his God, as I created him. A lot of people would say I created him. And I am, you know, a reasonable God, a merciful God. I don't do things haphazardly. I feed him lasagna. I fed him a lot of lasagna. I don't see that orange cat around much anymore. He must've gone back to the world of fiction. He must've gotten his fill after I fed him six, seven pounds of lasagna a day, often forcing him to eat it. That's Jim Davis, lover of cats, I am.

And the fourth statue, of course, is none other than Tron, played by Bruce Boxleitner. Why is he there? I just like Tron. I like that movie. I think it's a neat movie. And you're like, "Well, that doesn't have anything to do with Garfield," and I'm like, "It does now, because space! My name is Jim Freakin' Davis. I won the Nobel Prize for Funniest Cat. I won't be talked down to, Jimmy Carter. He is a close friend with the same name as a President.